.A.name. + .H.

ya, im still feeling like shit, I started on some new zoloft last night, so I took a sleeping pill to help me sleep, but I STILL couldnt sleep. my anxiety prevents me from doing a lot of things...and its already sucks changing meds, but not being able to sleep even with a sleeping pill sucks almost more. I was tossing and turning in hot and cold sweats all night, and woke up feeling like...well I already said it...ASS

things have been hard around my house lately. I hate being at home because...well. my husband, .H. has a mental illnes... I havent really talked about it before because it is really a long story. when he was a kid he used to have frontal lobe epilepsy... normally epilepsy means you have seizures randomly, but his epilepsy manifests itsfelf in fits of rage. so as a kid he would fight, or break things, or basically just spaz about the littlest things. he spant years locked in a hospital being observed and away from his family. when he was about 16 the phycologist cleared him and said if he just stayed on his anti depressants, that he could get off of his epilepsy meds.
the next few years were fine for him i guess, he graduated school and even went off his zoloft for a few years. then we met last year, everything was amazing....more than amazing, but i cant think of a word better than that right now.
H, and I got married really quickly, for no other reason than we just loved eachother and saw absolutely no reason not to. we met last january, and got married in august.
things were good for a while, realy, H is an amazing husband, but after a little while he needed to go back on his zoloft...and then it started getting a little ugly...
newlyweds fight. its just something that happens, and that was fine the first time he slammed the door, the time he yelled at me, broke the center peice that my best friend made for our wedding, broke his birthday gift...even all that was okay, I am a patient person. but then it started getting violent. he would shove me out of his way, last month he held me down and choked me, another time he picked me up by my collar and threw me into a wall, leaving bruises. he woudl tell me I was fat, and a cunt, and he never wanted to see me again, he would kick my puppy. litterally, my dog pisses himself when he knows .h. is mad.
seeing a trend here?
its getting worse and worse.
I gave him an ultimadum on Sunday. he gets help, or I leave.
i honestly feel like im in an abusive relationship, but that it would be awfull to leave...he is my husband, I knew he had preoblems, the only thing is, I thought they were through.

we went to the doctor on Monday and he put him on some anti phsycotics to "balance him out" - and things have been good the last couple of days... but im still litterally scared shitless of my husband.

anyways, we will see.

yesterday I ended up eating some ice cream before I went to sleep...my throat hurt SO BADLY. - gulp, dont judge, I ended the day with about 300 cal.

today I packed salad and some red and green peppers - 30 cal?
with 2tbsp of dressing 40 cal
and, I know this sounds gross, but I packed some cranberry juice because im getting a bladder infection. - its super concentrated from the health food store.
.yuk. - 50 cal.


.x.x.

.A.name.