.um.

i might not be able to post for a few days.

im leaving my home, and heading few hours south to stay with my family.

.H. lost it again last night, my table is flipped and there is broken glass everywhere. there are holes punched in my walls and closets. he's gone, I stayed at a friends last night. and now im back just gathering some things to take with me.

the good news is im down to 122.

that might just be from all the crying.

.x.x.

.a.name.

.day.2.

I re- Tanita's myself this morning - I weight 133.6 and my fat % is 26.9% my BMI is 21.6.

today is the second day of my liquid fast

I ended yesterday by drinking one cup of V8 wuth hot sauce - 60 cal
and then one cup of this awesome bolthouse farms green machine juice. - it looks like sewage but has the calories I need to keep me going - 140 cal.
then of course, lots of water, and some crystal light - 5 cal
205 liquid calories yesterday
im feeling thin.
but not thin enough.
.H. hasnt had an outburst in a while. thats for a few different reasons.
we changed his meds. it turns out .H. cant take generic brand zoloft. we figured that out the hard way...the really hard way as you probably saw in earlier posts. he couldnt deal with my depression and anxiety, and that fact that he got so violent with me deffinately didnt help my anxiety. things just got worse and worse. he can ONLY take name-brand Zoloft. the fuckers at the pharmacy kept telling us there were no differences. tell the bruises on my arms there is no difference.
gah. so hes leveled out alot...and I got on some new meds for my anxiety. and honestly...they really helps me. its actually changed my life. I can tell the difference big time.
.H. and I are happy.
we went for a walk yesterday, we cuddled and watched Canada lose to the USA :(
we played with and bathed our dog. and we...for the first time in months, really were acting in love.
I mean...we are in love?

------------------------

right now im drinking a very diluted crystal light and working away here at work.
I also brought some of my green machine - and im going to mix it with some protien powder and water?...gross... 110 + 140 cal - thats 250 cal...is it wierd that that seems like alot? hopefully it will fill me right up.
tonight I will probably have some more v8- 60 cals...I want to restrict to under 300 cal and stop having anything even water past 8

.x.x.

.R.

.fasting.

so today is the first day of my liquid fast. i have one week to get to 130 - i weighed in this morning at 136...gah 2 pounds up...then i started my period (tmi?) SIIIGH....hopefully that scale goes down soon.
Ive been drinking water all day so far.its 2pm and im just about to have a water bottle with some crystal light. .H. and I just took a walk with bosley, it was nice to get outside! its a great day here, very warm :)

I have to make .H. dinner tonight, but im feeling strong!

stay strong beauties!

.x.x.
-----------------------------

okay so now its 5pm. ive done well today! just water, one package of crystal light, and i just drank one cup of V8...its really good if you warm it up. so im sitting at 65 liquid calories today! fab fab fab, I even made .H. this awesome looking stir fry and didnt even try it. but im feeling chubby still (damn period) im looking forward to the hockey game tonight! USA vs CANADA! - okay...no offense to anyone, but Canada is going to kick ASS!

I decided that this tounge ring is going to be really good for me, it keeps me conscious of what is going in my mouth.

.x.x.

.A.NAME.

.tongue.

i did it!

my tongue is pierced!

Moira, im starting the liquid fast TOMORROW. and im in till Wednesday.

lets see how it goes!

who else is in?

.game.on.

.x.x.

.A.name.

.tounge.

I did really well yesterday, even witht he booze I kept it to under 400 calories. but man, I got WASTED....it was probably less than that because I threw up the vegitable soup I ate for dinner ha ha. but I weighed in at 134 today! AH! IT FELT SO GOOD! now I just need to keep it up!

Moira, im down for the liquid diet, I even got the okay from .H. - water during the day, and then broth or juice at night. - what about crystal light? lol its 5 calories...I love it... I could drink it all day... lol
Monday to Wednesday

and to make it that much easier, im getting my TOUNGE PEIRCED TONIGHT!

yesss



today for eating hasnt been great, I was hung over so I have a yogurt - 80 cal
4 pieces of a chocolate orange - 180 cal
a juice - 5 cal
then this fucking nasty sandwich that I STILL feel sick from eating
I had the bread - 140 cal
meat - 60 cal
mayo and mustard - 50
and cheese - FML - 100 cal at least.

so im sitting at 615 calories for the day

and im determined to have it stay there - im just gonna be sucking ice and drinking water tomorrow anyways with my new peircing :)

Moira! I need you to e mial me your my number so we can TEXT our way thru this liquid fast!

.x.x.

.a.name.

.liquid.diet.

I ate 65 cal before the party yesterday, and then I ate a little bit of thai food... maybe about 300 cal in snacking off my husbands plate - I felt full GAH. but I kept my cals pretty low, lots of carbs, but not too bad. 365.

so Moira had the brilliant idea of a liquid diet...just a for a few days, maybe longer if it works out? FABULOUS! - but im not exactly sure what kind of liquids I can have on a diet like that... im going to try and research it today! - I weighed in at 136 today. I NEED to be 130 by March 1st -

yay!

but as for today, I already started out with an 80 cal drinkable yogurt (pro-biotic!) and im planning on eating very little.

who's in for a liquid diet?!?

.x.x.!

.a.name.

-------------------------------------------

so after my yogurt I have been sipping watered down coffee and crystal light 5 cal
snacking on some celery and cucumbers and carrots (the carrots are 35 cal by themselves! high cal!) - total 50 cal
and i busted out my 20 cal jello

but im not hungry... its weird... but awesome!

im sitting at 155 cal, FABULOUS.

.calm.

246cal - to the party.

I felt really anxious before the party, so i took my "calm" drugs from the doctor lol...colonzepam? I think its called. im still anxious today, I took one this morning. it helps me just kindof...zone out...but focus on important things?
anyways...last night was shit. im glad my calorie count was so low before the party yesterday... I ate like a beast. not too out of controll, like, I think I kept it under 1000 cal for the day... oh god I hope

I weighed in this morning at 137 - I better be 130 before march 1... seriously..I need to re-comitt myself. its just SO HARD once i get home and get hungry...or go out. what do you girls do?
I guess it comes down to how bad I want it...

and I WANT IT.

im sipping at a coffee and a 5 cal crystal light right now, its 11:30 and im feeling good. I'll update this post as the day goes... but these meds make me not...that...hungry.
SWEET!

.x.x.

.a.name.

------------------------------------------------------------------
2:30 - and im snacking on an aisian pear and a dr pepper - the pear is about 60 cal. then I might snack on my veggies - I will count 30 for them, because I have baby carrots, and those are a little higher cal. I also have cucumbers and celery :)
its a good day!

.x.x.

.party.pants.

so im just about to leave work...
here is my intake for the day so far...

protien shake - 200
crystal light - 5
veggies - 15
2 peices of gum - 6
and a cup of jello - 20 cal.

SO...that leaves me with - 246 CAL

OKAY.

then I think I can hold out at this party...

I hope.

give me strength!

and lots of water!

.x.x.

.a.name.

.start.over. - .again.

last night....
930 plus another like...900 for what I ate at red robins with .H. I dont even want to say that number I ended up with... im so crap at this.

.H. and I went grocery shopping last night, I picked out tons and tons of low-cal and sugar free things. - then spent the night cutting veggies and making jello...

and I started over this morning.

protien shake with 1 cup skim milk - 200 cal (and im so full!)
and im currently sipping away at a crystal light in my water bottle.
I packed 20 cal of sugar free jello
15 cal of veggies. (which is actually tons!)

and im going to a birthday party tonight.

.game.on.

.x.x.

.a.name.

.S*!T.

so I just ate 600 calores worth of EDO...Japaneese food. so that puts me at 330+600 - 930cal. shit.

and you know, I would be fine with having that as my last meal of the day HOWEVER... my husband decided it woul be nice to take his wife to Red Robins tonight to fatten her up a little. here comes the curse words... but I will spare you guys and just keep it in my head.

i'll post tomorrow...sigh...

.x.x.

.a.name.

.Tanita.

this weekend is in the past...okay?

I mean, it wasnt horrible as far as diet goes, I ate...thats a fail right there, but I ate healhty, and less than I normally would on a trip home to see my parents AND my inlaws who both love to eat.
Being married I thought I would never do this, but I went home this weekend alone. .H. stayed at our house and did god knows what-all weekend. played games most likely.
but let me feel guilty when I say...
it was awesome.
it was probably the best weekend I have had in a year.
I slept and I chilled, and I went to the gym, and I saw the girlfriends that hate .H. and that he hates too and doesnt like me seeing, I saw dear john (BEST MOVIE EVER...) AND OMG it made me cry... it stirred something up inside me. something about wanting closure from my ex-fiance. shit. still a good weekend. - and valentines day - whatever. .H. got me chocolate (shit) and a cosmo (YES)

so I got home last night and im starting fresh.

my plan today is to fill up in the morning on a protien shake with 1% milk... then not eat anything untill a small dinner tonight. drink lots of water...you know the deal

my scoop of protien is 110 cal
and my milk is 220
so starting out with a huge ass breakfast of 330 cal - this better be a good day.

I went on a TANITA last week - its a body composition scale - it tells you tons of things about your body, this one we had at work is like a 4000$ tanita so...its pretty accurate.

here is what it said:

height 6ft 6 inches
weight:135.6lb
bmi:21.9
bmr (how many calories my body burns in a day...when im just sitting still...I love this number!) : 1448 cal
my fat percentage: 23.2

not bad. the numbers I want are totally different tho.
its gonna be a good week!

.x.x.

.A.name.

.old.day - .new.day.

350 plus my salmon. last night I had a nice peice of salmon and a half a cup of veggies, im going to count 300cal - then I went for a cry-coffee (when you go for coffee with a girlfriend...and well, pour out your soul) OBVIOUSLY!

lol so while I was there I had a grande nonfat caramel macciatto - 190 cal - and part of an oat bar and part of a fruit and nut bar - and um, I just looked it up...the oat bar is 300 cal and the nut bar is 200! wow! so im gonna count 300...high count for what I actually ate of them, but...meh.

so I finished the day at - 950 cal - shit

way higher than I was looking for... evenings are hard for me. and I LOVE cry coffee!

but good news! I weighed in this morning at 135! - 5 pounds down from where I started.
- this weekend im going to my hometown to take some dance classes with the same gf I had a cry coffee with. were basically going to spend the weekend at the gym - lovely, but I think she worries about my diet, and since im spending the weekend with her, im going to have to be strong. we tend to eat when we are together.

- anyways, lets start with today. im currently drinking my steeped tea with one milk one sweetner from tim hortons - 100 cal

I also packed a 50 cal salad. im hoping I can stick to eating just that at least till I get home - maybe till I leave tonight at nine - I will try and post again his weekend, but its doubtfull.

wish me luck beauties!

.x.x.

.A.name.

.cookie.

I just ate a cookie.

oh yeah, a nice big 200 calorie cookie

and it didnt even taste good.

...I should have just eaten my salad.

FML - now I HAVE to do something active tonight - but im just so low and depressed. but I feel like I might explode at the very same time, screaming and yelling so they have to lock me up. - FML

.H. and I are going to have salmon again - im sitting at the cookie, and 4 almonds, my salad and my cran juice - 351 - I would love to keep it under 500 - im trying to talk .H. - into buying a food scale. I will let you know!

"hey. I love you."

salmon and veggies and ice cream for dinner - 400 cal

220 from the day - then 400 at night - I was very specific about the size of salmon, and kind of veggies and amount I had. - I ended yesterday with no exersize and 620 cal total. I need be more carefull at night, when I get anxious I eat...and im anxious when im home.
the ice cream was just indulgent - and in my freezer - I was to depressed to leave my couch last night. literally, I took my anti anxiety, my sleeping pill, and my zoloft on the couch and crashed there.
H and I didnt say a word all night.

now im at work and he just sent me a text.

it said

hey, I love you.

I dont want to text him back. but I have to.

"Hey, I love you too."

------------------------------

Today i packed more cranberry juice - less than a normal portion because it was the last bit - 40 cal
I also am planning on eating one almond for every hour im at work - 7 cal each 9am-5pm thats nine almonds - 63 calories

I packed a salad 38 cal worth of red and green peppers and organic mixed greens - 5 cal - salad dressing - 40 cal

186 cal thru the day - im hoping I can just stay pumped full of water, cranderry tea, and diet coke? - im going to go get a big gulp and make my afternoon :)

im not sure what the dinner plan is tonight - if i can avoid it at all. sweet. maybe I will try to get .H. to take a walk with me. and then make dinner ge can eat

Moira - thanks for commenting on my blog, typing is nice therapy, its better therapy to know people are listening - your a doll.

.x.x.

.A.name. + .H.

ya, im still feeling like shit, I started on some new zoloft last night, so I took a sleeping pill to help me sleep, but I STILL couldnt sleep. my anxiety prevents me from doing a lot of things...and its already sucks changing meds, but not being able to sleep even with a sleeping pill sucks almost more. I was tossing and turning in hot and cold sweats all night, and woke up feeling like...well I already said it...ASS

things have been hard around my house lately. I hate being at home because...well. my husband, .H. has a mental illnes... I havent really talked about it before because it is really a long story. when he was a kid he used to have frontal lobe epilepsy... normally epilepsy means you have seizures randomly, but his epilepsy manifests itsfelf in fits of rage. so as a kid he would fight, or break things, or basically just spaz about the littlest things. he spant years locked in a hospital being observed and away from his family. when he was about 16 the phycologist cleared him and said if he just stayed on his anti depressants, that he could get off of his epilepsy meds.
the next few years were fine for him i guess, he graduated school and even went off his zoloft for a few years. then we met last year, everything was amazing....more than amazing, but i cant think of a word better than that right now.
H, and I got married really quickly, for no other reason than we just loved eachother and saw absolutely no reason not to. we met last january, and got married in august.
things were good for a while, realy, H is an amazing husband, but after a little while he needed to go back on his zoloft...and then it started getting a little ugly...
newlyweds fight. its just something that happens, and that was fine the first time he slammed the door, the time he yelled at me, broke the center peice that my best friend made for our wedding, broke his birthday gift...even all that was okay, I am a patient person. but then it started getting violent. he would shove me out of his way, last month he held me down and choked me, another time he picked me up by my collar and threw me into a wall, leaving bruises. he woudl tell me I was fat, and a cunt, and he never wanted to see me again, he would kick my puppy. litterally, my dog pisses himself when he knows .h. is mad.
seeing a trend here?
its getting worse and worse.
I gave him an ultimadum on Sunday. he gets help, or I leave.
i honestly feel like im in an abusive relationship, but that it would be awfull to leave...he is my husband, I knew he had preoblems, the only thing is, I thought they were through.

we went to the doctor on Monday and he put him on some anti phsycotics to "balance him out" - and things have been good the last couple of days... but im still litterally scared shitless of my husband.

anyways, we will see.

yesterday I ended up eating some ice cream before I went to sleep...my throat hurt SO BADLY. - gulp, dont judge, I ended the day with about 300 cal.

today I packed salad and some red and green peppers - 30 cal?
with 2tbsp of dressing 40 cal
and, I know this sounds gross, but I packed some cranberry juice because im getting a bladder infection. - its super concentrated from the health food store.
.yuk. - 50 cal.


.x.x.

.A.name.

.fast!.

im fasting today - mostly becasue I feel like ASS - its kindof lucky, I dont even feel like eating! - im sipping on some peppermint tea at work just hating my life - good news, im not eating - bad news, I dont think I can work out either.

.x.x.

R

.fresh.monday.

so after a long weekend of being terrible with food, really...TERRIBLE - I weighed in this morning at 137. 3 pounds in a week, fuck, at least I didnt gain, but that is an awfully slow loss. I will work harder this week, the past is the past.
.LETS.MOVE.ON.

today I packed 100 cal of almonds.
and an egg - 80 cal.
right now im drinking a coffee - im going to count 20 cal for it.
200 cal, and I would LOVE to keep it there.

today im going to do BODY JAM - a class that my gym offers, and one of the girls I work with is a teacher, shes going to do a private class in our little showroom. Im not much of a dancer, but we will SEE! you can burn alot of cal doing it - but if i dont I will deffinately walk my dog




i'll be in touch! xoxoxoxoxo...

hopefully its a good day!

.bad.bad.BAD.DAY.

SHIT - I knew it was coming. I was so good all week

I worked hard yesterday to avoid binging, I worked a 12 hour day, 9-9. I hardley ate at all - I stuck to my 515 cal - maybe even less because I like to share my food, i still count the calories, but I didnt actually eat them - what a cop-out.

I was planning on going home and exercising while my hubby was at the game, then he called me and asked to come pick him and his buddy up. he was WASTED - so i went to pick him up...thats when i LOST IT - because i have to be accountable to you - to this, im going to list everything i ate -

i stopped on the way to the game and got a blueberry bagel with light strawberry cram cheese and scarfed it down, then when I finished that, the boys were still watching the game, so i went to the nearby subway and got 3 cookies and a bag of sun chips - ate those - shit.
then it wasnt even over
- on the way home my husband puked (all over the side of my car might i add) and so we stopped to get him some mcdonalds (SHIT!)
I got a double cheeseburger - then proceeded to go home and have about 8 shots of vodka in diet coke. i was wasted and up until about 3 in the morning playing xbox with my hubbys friend. shit shit shit - what A NIGHT and im so ashamed that it happened... but just to punish myself - im going to find out exactly how many calories I ate last night -
bagel - 270
cream cheese 120
cookies 220 - 210 - 220 -
chips - 140
buger (barf) - 430
and about 60 cal (?) a shot of vodka - 480

grand total plus the 515 from the daytime - 2605 for the whole day

- holy shit.

but wait, because I was hung over this morning - i had a piece of toast with butter and jam 300 cal? and a few bites of hashbrowns - good start eh? - im a fucking idiot. im so depressed - im probably going to drink alot more vodka today - i used to have a bad drinking problem, and I guess I still do, I just dont have to drink to be able to sleep anymore - i was so fat and unhappy when I drank too much - but I figure that if i dont eat anything else today, i can get away with having some more vodka

on a happier note, my hubby in the shower this morning said, babe, your looking great, I can see yoru ribs! but then he said, why arent you losing any weight on your hips?
shit.

why is it that my boobs are getting smaller, but my fucking ass is still HUGE!

what a let down of a day!

GAH! -okay...here is some thinspo - I will report later and hopefully it wont be because ive eaten myself into oblivion again.

.x.x.

.Friday.

okay, so im working from 9 to 9 today, I packed this:

a container of mixed greens - I will count it 10 cal
and some dressing - 50cal
a boiled egg - 80cal
42 almonds (to snack on during the day) - 275 cal (the majority of my protien/calories)
XL tims steeped tea one milk one sweetner - 100cal.

so that totals out to about 515 cal

I have some 150 cal oatmeal in case I really feel like I need to eat before my workout tonight at nine.

if I can get to the fucking gym - shit, I hate WORKING at a gym and not having one open! - 6 more weeks!

my husband is going to a hockey game with his buddies tonight and then partying so I might be able to exersize at home by myself or take my puppy Bosley for a walk (hes so mental and hyper, I really could walk with him forever, but its SO COLD HERE!)- this is my puppy Bosley BTW - isnt he CUTE???




im going to eat my egg and drink my steeped tea now so im not hungry for a while - wish me LUCK!

.journal.

im going to add to this post as I can thru the day and then post it tonight.

I DID go to the gym yesterday... my total intake was 380 - and I burned a total of 500 cal at the gym. I burned 400 on the eliptical and treadmill - then did hard core sit ups with weights with my girlfriends for a while, i figure 500, so im negative 120 today SWEET!

however - I woke up in the middle of the night with the WORST muscle spasm in my calf, it was like, the worst growing pain in my LIFE. and it lasted FOREVER! im still sore this morning. - I did some research and I think I was dehydrated. shocking. lol - I trained for a marathon in 2008 and it was the hardest thing of my life but I was SOOOO fit... I used to get muscle cramps all the time, just because I was getting stronger. I have a really high cardio potential...I could run for hours...and I WILL to get where I need to be.

this morning so far I have had one hard boiled egg - 80 cal

and a coffee mixed with a little cappuchino mux - about 30 cal. to kick my ass into gear and keep me full ALL DAY! -

im going to eat very little and VERY healthy today. hopefully its a good DAY!

-------------------------------------------------------------

11am - fuck, I cant beleive im already snacking again - 12 almonds - 80 cal

and some dried cherries and craberries - 60cal

4pm - I just caved and ate the container of green beans and seasoning I packed today for "lunch". 40 cal - then before i left work i had a skinny latte 90 cal

- so im at 380

so, I decided I need some "realistic" goals *phht

when i started on monday, I weighed 140lbs

by March 1st I want to weigh 130 or lower. the lowest I weighed was 123 and pure muscle when I was training for my marathon and not eating, and taking the ECA stack (I dont reccomend this - I got a damaged heart valve from it) - I want to weigh less than that, I want to hit 110 - or lower by summer so i can rock a bikini - EVERYWHERE!

sound good? I thought so.

----------------------------------

fuck, okay its dinner, my hubby has a friend over, so im making whole wheat pasta and tomato sauce, im also making some asparagus (yum)

my PLAN is to eat a half a cup of the pasta (300 cal BARF) and a half a cup of the tomato sauce - (90 cal) then some asparagus (20 cal)

that will put my daily total to 380 +410 - 800 cal for the day

but here is my reasoning for eating that obscene amount - i have a basketball game tonight and according to my calorie count website, i can burn about 500 or more cal playing basketball for 30 minutes. its just womens leuge, and I kindof suck, but I need some carbs so I can drag my fat ass around the court.

fuck my life

so I end the day with 800-500 - about 300 cal today. and you know, i can live with that

- the weekend is going to be hard. HELLO - its superbowl.

wish me luck!

.x.x.

day end

egg - 80

fruit and almonds - 100

banana - 100

lettuce - 30 cal

salad dressing - 50 cal

extra lean ground beef - 100

360 cal

I also drank a glass of metamucill with my meal. - and HEAPS of water today.

SWEET!

im going to work out tonight with my girlfriend from work - ill let you know tomorrow how much i burned! im excited!

.X.X.

.pissed.

Im so fucking pissed.

I just found out that everyone at work thinks I want to hook up with one of our personal trainers. were FRIENDS. Both really good friends, with the exact same idea about eachother. My manager thinks we like eachother, but HELLO, im fucking MARRIED. I love my husband, way too much to pull shit like that.

since when is the way that I am...whore-ish? that makes people think that I would do something like that? who thinks about me like that? apparently everyone. even my husband says im too flirty with other guys. but doesnt it matter what IM thinking? fucking, if nothing is going to happen. NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN. im do goddamn fat for anyone to like me besides my obviously blond husband.

im buzzed and stressed from my coffee - caffeine makes me axious, which is bad because I have severe anxiety... im on zoloft...but alot of the time it doesnt help the anxiety...it just makes me not want to kill myself quite as much. I keep trying to get off of them, but my hubby wont let me.

fuck.my.life.

maybe if I wasnt such a fatty I would be happier. seriously. I ate my almonds and a few peices of dried berries. another 100 cal. Fuck. im chugging water untill I feel totally full, even tho it makes me look pregnant. what a lose-lose.

im so pissed.

I know I blog alot...the only time I can do it is while other people are around at work...so it has to be quick. but I needed to vent. fuck fuck fuck. I kindof like this. there are the secrets that run my head ALL the time. finally...I can write them out.

Later!

.x.x.

.morning.

So this morning I was exhausted, but it felt good to feel empty, because I didnt eat past 7 last night. I weighed 138. but I have a LOOOONG way to go.

this morning I had a black coffee with a sweetner and a boiled egg. 80 cal.

my plan today is to have a shit load of liquids. I have lemon perrier. (yum, and zero cal) a huge water, and a diet orange pop. - also brought some healthy choices in case I cave and get too hungry to function while im at work. I dont want to binge on fast food and fuck my day. I brought almonds and dried fruit, and some chicken and veggies.

I try and put protien in everything I acutally eat. so it makes me full quicker and longer..it also gives me energy to exersize, I HAVE to get to the gym tonight... im done work this afternoon, so hopefully I can go get into a gym somewhere on a drop in for free. being newlyweds I cant just afford to drop 20 dollars on a gym drop in whenever I want. and FUCK my gym that I work at isnt opened for a month. also, its fucking way below zero here...but I HAVE to exersize...even if its just bundling up and taking my puppy for a walk. no excuses. no excuses.

NO EXCUSES

.X.X.

.dinner.

tonight my husband and I went grocery shopping for "healthy" food -

then I came home and ate dinner.

I ate a few pieces of chicken with hot sauce, and some veggies, im going to say about 150 cal.

then, because I was feeling chubby i drank a big glass of metamucil. does anyone know if that even does any good?

im feeling very full, but im hoping I will feel slim by tomorrow.

I feel like a fat mess right now.

I dont like posting at home, so im going to keep this short and post when I get to work tomorrow.

.x.x.

.COUNT.

Today I ate salmon. according to my little diet plan, I ate a total of about 5 ounces of salmon thru the day - apparently about 300 cal. sigh

in both of my salmon meals I had green beans...im going to go ahead and just not count those... I know a little about diet and nutrition, and green veggies are an AWESOME way to keep your metabolism high, and your digestion *ahem* regular. - I ate those small meals (salmon and veggies) twice today, I also ate about 6 almonds and some dried berries - about 140 calories.

so im sitting at 440.

I cant exersize tonight, my husband wants to go grocery shopping (DOOM)

however, he told me today that he wants to start eating healthier...try to lose his little gut. im all for it...maybe I can pick at some lettuce for dinner and make him something nice. that is one hard thing tho, trying to be a good wife and cook for my husband. even if its healthy, I hate eating at night. that is my worst time to binge.

eff, give me strength!!

.x.x.

R

.the.battle.

welcome welcome welcome!

I am starting this blog anonymously. I need to have something to be accountable to. there are so many pro ana and thinspo sites that I look at daily. I want to be able to follow you other girls in your battles to thin.

so here I am:

(obviously, this photo isnt me...morons.)

age:23

height:5' 6"

starting weight:140lbs

lowest weight: 126

highest weight:155

.Goal.: 110

.this.is.my.year.

A little about me I guess

I got married last year. my wedding pictures are beautifull but I wished I was thinner in them.

I am depressed, on meds, and trying not to let them make me too fucking fat and happy, lord knows those go hand in hand. my husband makes me take them because I tried to off myself a while ago. not taking them isnt an option. but he however is fairly supportive of me losing weight. great, he knows I am a fat mess too.

I work at a fitness club. ironic huh? the club is opening March 18, but untill then I have NOWHERE to work out. im just eating myself into oblivion. I had one of our new personal trainers put me on an eating program to help me start losing weight, ive tweaked it so im eating as little as possible so I can get the fat off of me right away and be able to see my hip bones again!

this is my journey. join me, let me inspire you, and PLEASE...I need you to help, and inspire me.

lets get to know eachother.