.eff.

140 cal - bolthouse farms green machine juice, this stuff goes right thru me. I love it - and some veggies - cucs and carrots - I would say about 50 cal - SO I left ya'al yesterday at 490 and I was hoping to keep it under 1000
I went to my sisters and had a pita - 170 cal with about 50 cal worth of pesto. some ham 80 cal and some tomatoes which I will generously count 5 cal for. it was really good! in the oven mmmm. but then we went to starbucks and got hot chocolate DID YOU KNOW...a TALL starbucks white hot chocolate is 460cal? shit. then we shared a fruit and nut bar - 150 cal. - then that was it, from what I can remember ha ha I stopeed after that and started drinking vodka water by myself at home till I went to sleep - 100 cal? I know it might be more...but come on...I love vodka.
1505 cal.

damn.

I weighed in this morning at 136.7.

okay. just keep trucking.

I started out this morning with a starbucks oat bar AKA the DEVIL! - 370 cal. and a steeped tea - 100 cal. (im obsessed)
okay...IM STOPPING NOW.
all I might eat is my veggies :) cucs and carrots. - today WILL be a good day. its only 10am. I can still do well.

.x.x.

.a.name.

.I.AM.

.WHO.I.AM.

I AM…
[ ] anorexic
[X] ednos (undiagnosed but I feel NUTS sometimes)
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[X] hungry <3
[X] thirsty - I always feel dehydrated
[X] drinking something - steeped tea!
[ ] Under 100lbs - I WISH!
[X] starving yourself - SLOWLY, SLOWLY.
[ ] participating in a fast

PEOPLE…
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[X] say I’m pretty - mostly my eyes. maybe some day I will post a picture. im so scared of getting found out!
[X] spread rumors about me - I slept with my best friends fiance. FAIL. I can never live in my hometown again - my BFF and I are...still BFF's - but I have a bit of a rep. even tho im married.
[X] force me to eat - .H. likes to eat. it brings us together. lord knows we need it.
[ ] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[X] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos - because it doesnt show really. not yet.

I WISH…
[X] I was THIN
[X] I had a better body
[X] I didn’t have to eat
[X] I could control myself
[X] I was under 110lbs
[X] I could avoid food
[X] I could hide what I am - which is?? fuck who knows?
[X] I wasn’t fat
[X] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE…
[X] feeling hungry
[X] seeing a difference when fasting - I love RIBS! AND HIPBONES!
[ ] shaking
[X] being weak
[X] losing weight
[X] being anorexic
[XXX] green tea (OR STEEPED TEA! just TEA!)
[ ] diet pills
[X] being able to turn down food
[X] feeling good about myself - duh...

APPEARANCE…
[ ] I am shorter than 5′4.- I wish.
[X] I think I’m ugly sometimes (Sometimes?!)
[X] I have many scars - I used to cut... the scars never go away, and the excuses get dumber and dumber.
[ ] I tan easily - i WISH! im pasty...
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[X] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I had braces
[ ] I wear glasses
[ ] I wear contacts
[X] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free - fuck that I would get it anyways.
[X] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger - boys can be greasy lol
[X] I have more than 2 piercings
[X] I have piercings in places besides my ears TOUNGE!
[X] I have freckles - :(

FAMILY…
[ ] I’ve sworn at my parents (around, but not "at")
[X] I’ve run away from home - I drove from Canada to the tip of Miami with my ex-fiance - we were so young and dumb.
[X] I’ve been kicked out of the house
[X] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[X] I want to have kids someday (I think.)
[ ] I’ve had children
[ ] I’ve lost a child - there was a child in south america I cared for, I considered him "my child" - he dies of cancer.

EMBARRASSMENT…
[X] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation (ALL THE TIME!) - lawl.
[X] Disney movies still make me cry
[ ] I’ve peed from laughing
[X] I’ve snorted while laughing
[X] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried
[ ] I’ve glued my hand to something
[ ] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS…
[ ] I’m single
[ ] I’m in a relationship
[ ] I’m engaged
[X] I’m married
[X] I’ve gone on a blind date - FAIL - I hate blind dates!
[X] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper (never been dumped...)
[X] I miss someone right now
[X] I have a fear of abandonment
[X] I’ve cheated in a relationship - NOT my hubby .H. - my ex fiance... that I still care about... alot.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[X] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
[X] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t
[X] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did
[X] I’ve kept something from a past relationship (FML)

SEXUALITY…
[X] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex - scandal! lawl
[X] I’ve had a crush on a teacher - who didnt?
[X] I am a cuddler
[X] I’ve been kissed in the rain
[X] I’ve hugged a stranger
[x] I have kissed a stranger (I used to be a bar star...SHAME! LOL)

HONESTY…
[X] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[X] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t - .every.day.
[X] I’ve snuck out of my house
[X] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[X] I am keeping a secret from the world - many, many, many.
[X] I’ve cheated while playing a game
[X] I’ve cheated on a test - I got caught.
[ ] I’ve been suspended from school

BAD TIMES…
[X] I’ve consumed alcohol
[X] I drink regularly - I used to have a bit of a problem. im trying to cut back.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills
[X] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[X] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[X] I shut others out when I’m upset
[X] I take anti-depressants
[X] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS. (not clinically diagnosed)
[X] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it
[X] I’ve hurt myself on purpose
[X] I’m addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[X] I’ve woken up crying (I still do)
[X] I’ve lost weight
[X] I’ve gained weight
[X] My weight holds me back
[X] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I’m at my thinnest - not even close
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[ ] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[X] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[X] My weight affects my mood
[X] I weigh myself daily - just about.
[X] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[X] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[X] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[X] I get depressed after I eat
[X] I’ve skipped a meal
[ ] I’ve thrown food away - I lived in a 3rd world country for a long time - DO NOT waste. please.
[ ] I’ve spit food out
[X] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[ ] I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[ ] Bulimia
[ ] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising - which will resume once my fucking GYM is opened! 2 weeks!
[X] Binge eating
[X] I exercise
[X] I exercise so I can eat
[ ] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[X] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE…
[X] Weed
[X] Cigarettes
[X] Alcohol
[X] Diet pills
[X] Pain killers - I had a hospital scare a few months back, apparently 30 T3'S arent good for you...
[X] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine


so there it is, not alot, but a little about MOI - bring on any questions? ha ah not that anyone cares. im so new to this community. but I do have some good stories ;)
it will all come out with the time - and all it will take is time and pounds - to finally be who I want to be.

.a.name.

.deRAIL.

so we didnt end up going to red lobster, I had a basketball game, so I just went home and walked my dog, then stuffed my face with whole wheat pasta and sauce with chicken. to "power my game" - what a cop-out...and probably around 500 cal... and then i ate a caramel sundae after my game with a girlfriend - 340 cal - so i finished the day at about 1100 cal - im disapointed. but you know, I still burned. I have no idea how much I burned... im hoping I ended up under 1000 cal. AND to make it more awesome - I jammed my finger at my game - its all swollen and purple today - yuck.

I started this morning by waking up early and making lunch for .H. and eating breakfast with him. I ate some cereal and 1% milk. about 220 cal then I had an 80 cal drinkable yogurt when I got to work. im already sitting today at 300 cal - im so off the tracks right now! im going to try and keep it under 1000 today...and walk my dog.

gah.

.a.name.

back - .to.the.future,

so im back.

I spent the week at my parents house ...eating, watching TV...driving for my parents, Talking to .H. about what we were going to do.
he went to the emegency phsyc to see what he could do about his ourbursts... they told him he just needed to see a marriage counseller because it was clearly his disfunctional marriage that was causing him to snap.
fuck that.
now, im not an angel... but .H. and I are in love, and this is taking us over.
we talked about divorce.
seperation.
how all im doing is running away
but all im feeling is fear
of my husband
how rediculous is that?
I used to be funny
now im quiet and sedated.
depressed
anxious.
sad.

.H. came to pick me up on Friday, we spent the night in a hotel and made some serious goals, hes getting in for a head scan, im getting us in for councelling. I upped my anxiety pills, now im a fucking walking zombie. probably the way he likes it.

like I said, I ate like shit all week. I weighed in at 138 this morning. fuck, I wanted to cry. but im back on today. all i have had is 6 peices of califonia rolls from edo - 200 cal. - .H. wants to take me to red lobster tonight...shit. my all time weakness. you dont half-ass something like red lobster.

.shit.

.A.name.

.um.

i might not be able to post for a few days.

im leaving my home, and heading few hours south to stay with my family.

.H. lost it again last night, my table is flipped and there is broken glass everywhere. there are holes punched in my walls and closets. he's gone, I stayed at a friends last night. and now im back just gathering some things to take with me.

the good news is im down to 122.

that might just be from all the crying.

.x.x.

.a.name.

.day.2.

I re- Tanita's myself this morning - I weight 133.6 and my fat % is 26.9% my BMI is 21.6.

today is the second day of my liquid fast

I ended yesterday by drinking one cup of V8 wuth hot sauce - 60 cal
and then one cup of this awesome bolthouse farms green machine juice. - it looks like sewage but has the calories I need to keep me going - 140 cal.
then of course, lots of water, and some crystal light - 5 cal
205 liquid calories yesterday
im feeling thin.
but not thin enough.
.H. hasnt had an outburst in a while. thats for a few different reasons.
we changed his meds. it turns out .H. cant take generic brand zoloft. we figured that out the hard way...the really hard way as you probably saw in earlier posts. he couldnt deal with my depression and anxiety, and that fact that he got so violent with me deffinately didnt help my anxiety. things just got worse and worse. he can ONLY take name-brand Zoloft. the fuckers at the pharmacy kept telling us there were no differences. tell the bruises on my arms there is no difference.
gah. so hes leveled out alot...and I got on some new meds for my anxiety. and honestly...they really helps me. its actually changed my life. I can tell the difference big time.
.H. and I are happy.
we went for a walk yesterday, we cuddled and watched Canada lose to the USA :(
we played with and bathed our dog. and we...for the first time in months, really were acting in love.
I mean...we are in love?

------------------------

right now im drinking a very diluted crystal light and working away here at work.
I also brought some of my green machine - and im going to mix it with some protien powder and water?...gross... 110 + 140 cal - thats 250 cal...is it wierd that that seems like alot? hopefully it will fill me right up.
tonight I will probably have some more v8- 60 cals...I want to restrict to under 300 cal and stop having anything even water past 8

.x.x.

.R.

.fasting.

so today is the first day of my liquid fast. i have one week to get to 130 - i weighed in this morning at 136...gah 2 pounds up...then i started my period (tmi?) SIIIGH....hopefully that scale goes down soon.
Ive been drinking water all day so far.its 2pm and im just about to have a water bottle with some crystal light. .H. and I just took a walk with bosley, it was nice to get outside! its a great day here, very warm :)

I have to make .H. dinner tonight, but im feeling strong!

stay strong beauties!

.x.x.
-----------------------------

okay so now its 5pm. ive done well today! just water, one package of crystal light, and i just drank one cup of V8...its really good if you warm it up. so im sitting at 65 liquid calories today! fab fab fab, I even made .H. this awesome looking stir fry and didnt even try it. but im feeling chubby still (damn period) im looking forward to the hockey game tonight! USA vs CANADA! - okay...no offense to anyone, but Canada is going to kick ASS!

I decided that this tounge ring is going to be really good for me, it keeps me conscious of what is going in my mouth.

.x.x.

.A.NAME.